why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
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once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
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New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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