i think i have two assholes
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
