just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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