I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize