I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
