There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
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Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
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Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
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