I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
