If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
