Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
