the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Randomize
