So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
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