Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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