I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
