I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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