We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
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