My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
