why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
