Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Randomize
