see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
