his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Randomize
