I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
