Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.