Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
