so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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