and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
