The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Shame is for Republicans.
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