Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
