She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
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