she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
