At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
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