If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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