yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Randomize
