There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
