M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
we're so committed to being not committed
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
