my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
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