I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
