Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Randomize
