im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
soo... how was my night?
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