So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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