I'm laying in your front yard are you home
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
