Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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