im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
