No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
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