just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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