remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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