i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
