I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
My brain says no but my pants say off.
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
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