if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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