I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
