Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
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gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
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I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect