he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
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