I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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