I just saw a hot homeless man
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Your topless pictures make me question reality
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
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