Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
