apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
