I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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