On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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