thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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