Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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