drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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