You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
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