yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
