420 ftw
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
